I learned that who doesn’t look for you, doesn’t miss you and who doesn’t miss you doesn’t care for you… That destiny determines who enters your life, but you decide who stays… that the truth hurts only once and a lie every time you remember it. That there are three things in life that leave and never return: words, time and opportunities. Therefore, value whoever values you and don’t treat as a priority whoever treats you as an option. Not everyone is going to like you. You’re not going to like everyone. It’s likely best we’re all upfront with who we are. That way, we can save time and get to those genuine relationships sooner rather than later.
Doe Zantamata, Happiness In Your Life

On forgiveness and healing

In one of the chapters of Coelho’s book (Aleph) entitled “Believe Even in no one else believes you”, he wrote a very heartwarming passage about two of the most intricate feelings of men. Here it goes:

“I forgive the tears I made to shed,

I forgive the pain and disappointments,

I forgive the betrayals and the lies,

I forgive the slanders and intrigues,

I forgive the hatred and the persecution,

I forgive the blows that hurt me,

I forgive the wrecked dreams,

I forgive the stillborn hopes,

I forgive the hostility and jealousy,

I forgive the injustice carried out in the name of justice,

I forgive the anger and the cruelty,

I forgive the neglect and the contempt,

I forgive the world and all its evils.”

She lowers her arms, opens her eyes, and puts her hands to her face. I go over to embrace her, but she stops me with a gesture,

“I haven’t finished yet.”

She closes her eyes again and raises her face heavenward.

“I also forgive myself. May the misfortunes of the past no longer weigh on my heart. Instead of pain and resentment, I choose understanding and compassion. Instead of rebellion, I choose the music from my violin. Instead of grief, I choose forgetting. Instead of vengeance, I choose victory.”

I will be capable of loving, regardless of whether I am loved in return,

Of giving, even when I have nothing,

Of working happily, even in the midst of difficulties,

Of holding out my hand, even when utterly alone and abandoned,

Of drying my tears, even while I weep,

Of believing, even when no one believes in me.”

She opens her eyes, places her hands on my head, and says with an authority that comes from on high, “So it is. So it will be.”

When you truly care for someone, that person’s mistakes never change your feelings because it’s the mind that gets angry but the heart still cares.” That somehow enlightened me. I know where I stand in your life and it is hard to cope with change. It makes me so jealous but I know I can control my feelings. It’s a heavy burden but I don’t know why I can still paint a genuine smile in my face.There will also be a clash of intentions but I don’t think that would be difficult.  Why? Because we are all entitled for a choice. There may be reasons to feel the grief or anger but at least, for a justifiable cause.  I may change but you will always remain. Don’t think of this as something that would threaten what we were able to build. And now I am out of words.

Sometimes I am sick of myself remembering. I do not know if I would have the perks of being the first to forget everything – especially in relationships. Truly, the good time should always be cherished but what if these memories also cause pain in the present? When I decided to watch this movie again, I did not think that I would remember you. And a specific part of the film wherein that song stocked in my mind made the moment so nostalgic. It was the month of love and I was happy you were there to be with me. You travelled a long distance for us to be together. On a fine night while we were walking at the park, you happened to ask me to sing with you. Just like the arrangement of that song in the movie, we sang our hearts out. I felt the message of the song. You liked me just the way I am, the same way I am to you. The magic of the moment worked that every time I think of it, smiles invade my face. Tonight, I wished I could time travel and go back. I hope those days were not over yet. But I am done with that chapter and I am glad it happened. No matter where you are, I am a part of you and you are a part of me. I stopped wondering because deep inside my fragile heart, I have loved a person who I know loved me back. 

This is a special weekend. What makes it different is that this is the time two of my friends aged again. The year 2014 showered me goodness through my new friends. I feel blessed that I was able to meet you both. Indeed, Tumblr made its way for me to get closer to you. I feel sad because I could not even greet you in person, the way you did when I celebrated my birthday. Nevertheless, a good time awaits us. We just need to wait maybe.
Kaloy, belated! HAHA. Epic lang ang birthday mo at nawalan ka pa. Don’t worry, more blessings ang kapalit nyan. Now that your part of the labor force, I know you will be more frugal. That’s what I want when you are around, you pacify my overspending. Thanks for the good times and the bad times. I know I am moody but thank you for sticking around. Thanks you for walking with me when I need a friend. Thank you for still doing things that you initially not want to do. Simply put it all, salamat sa pagiging “game”. I appreciate that  a lot. Kahit dineadma kita nung una tayong nagmeet and the nexts, akalain mo naging close pa tayo!HAHA I look forward for more moments to come. With F4, of course! :)
To a very caring friend, Happy birthday Lanz! I feel like your very nice since day one. HAHA Keep it up! Tsaka always keep your head up high, no matter what happens. Strength comes from  within, you just have to nurture your heart. Be brave. We are here at your back to support you. Thanks for being thoughtful. Naalala ko nung pinilit pa kitang sumama sa eLBi kahit galing kang work, HUHUHUHU, thanks talaga nun! Stay the same sa pagiging thoughtful mo! Those simple “kumusta” are heartwarming lalo pa’t I am far from you guys. More bondings din! I know masaya naman ang puso mo ngayon! :)
Again, happy, happy birthday to both of you! See you soon! Cheers!

This is a special weekend. What makes it different is that this is the time two of my friends aged again. The year 2014 showered me goodness through my new friends. I feel blessed that I was able to meet you both. Indeed, Tumblr made its way for me to get closer to you. I feel sad because I could not even greet you in person, the way you did when I celebrated my birthday. Nevertheless, a good time awaits us. We just need to wait maybe.

Kaloy, belated! HAHA. Epic lang ang birthday mo at nawalan ka pa. Don’t worry, more blessings ang kapalit nyan. Now that your part of the labor force, I know you will be more frugal. That’s what I want when you are around, you pacify my overspending. Thanks for the good times and the bad times. I know I am moody but thank you for sticking around. Thanks you for walking with me when I need a friend. Thank you for still doing things that you initially not want to do. Simply put it all, salamat sa pagiging “game”. I appreciate that  a lot. Kahit dineadma kita nung una tayong nagmeet and the nexts, akalain mo naging close pa tayo!HAHA I look forward for more moments to come. With F4, of course! :)

To a very caring friend, Happy birthday Lanz! I feel like your very nice since day one. HAHA Keep it up! Tsaka always keep your head up high, no matter what happens. Strength comes from  within, you just have to nurture your heart. Be brave. We are here at your back to support you. Thanks for being thoughtful. Naalala ko nung pinilit pa kitang sumama sa eLBi kahit galing kang work, HUHUHUHU, thanks talaga nun! Stay the same sa pagiging thoughtful mo! Those simple “kumusta” are heartwarming lalo pa’t I am far from you guys. More bondings din! I know masaya naman ang puso mo ngayon! :)

Again, happy, happy birthday to both of you! See you soon! Cheers!

We have this strength inside of us and yet we are taught to always sort of keep it down. I sort of found in my life that I’ve taken a step back and made myself smaller in order to try to fit in. And that hasn’t worked. And we have to learn to kind of embrace what makes us unique, and embrace our strength and then if people don’t like it, fuck it.
Idina Menzel

Note to You

It ended last night. That special tie which started in a wrong way deserved to be ended long before. Well we were hypocrite in some instances. Do not expect me to believe that you did not conform with it right from the start. I do not want to be misunderstood but I felt the need to say what I really feel. After all, you really know what you’re doing but sadly, I am afraid you do not know where you are heading to. Nevertheless, thank you for the substantial response, I deserved that. And finally,  a fresh heads up from Coelho which I should live by now: Tragedy always brings about radical change in our lives, a change that is associated with the same principle: loss. When faced by any loss, there’s no point in trying to recover what has been; it’s best to take advantage of the large space that opens up before us and fill it with something new.

Two weeks later

All of me says it will never be easy. On the night before we had our little plan, I thought deeply. In the first place, a night out with only the two of us would mean a “different something”. With all the hormones involved, there would be a high probability that a “different something” would inevitably occur. But is that the goal? Or at least that was considered in my crazy mind.

I remember weeks ago, you were drenched in my melodramatic life. You were the only person who knew about how my previous bond with another “atom” was broken. Oh by an atom, I mean another person. It was not an ordinary spectacle but I was quite prepared for that to happen. But what I was not ready of was to publicize that something special ended. I value my relationships. I cry over broken bonds, whether it be friendship or relationship. It tears me up when I am left out. Through time, I get to see who stayed in my circle. Honestly, a lot are ephemeral beings. And it is just melancholic in my part that those who I thought would stay did otherwise. The will of the wind is not always positive for you. I guess it was only wishful thinking.

A moment flashed and what was vivid was your apologies coupled with your sincerity moved me. Amidst that message that almost ruined my day, I decided to dwell on that simple reminder before that “different something” happened. It was a bit disappointing but I know I do not have any granted right to be angry. Maybe I was hurt but after I took a cool-of-mind experience, I realized I do not have any grounds to be such. Distance is a word (or maybe an advice) a close friend told me. Well he said he was not giving any advice, he was just presenting facts. For the sake of anonymity, I deleted two words that he said because I do not want to be obvious. My fear that you would leave after such haunted me. I’d rather be in pain at a quick moment than blame you for a longer period of time. I saw a different me. Or I get to discover that even a sensitive person like me would forget that I am one. That was the cost of placing myself in this complicated situation. It was my fault to be in this other end after all. But what is more difficult is that I could not seriously mean what I really feel inside. Based on what I understood earlier, you would love to embark on more interesting things with others. I may have read that you just threw a joke but simply saying “yes” to those means other things. I do not want to imply anything else but what I knew is that there is a possibility that the result of these would impinge hurt on my part. I cared but ultimately, I am on the losing side.

All this time I was fooling myself. Maybe these were all due to the call of the lusty world and I was wrong for giving in. Life is full of uncertainties and I will be courageous enough to face all those (I am convinced that I must be). Another perhaps is that I am a person who easily fall for these things. I am shallow and I hate myself for that. The way I act in a crooked manner is unforgivable and it is more unforgivable is that someone is tolerating it. I just hope that I would wake up one day and everything of these are all over. And give me another favor of skipping this part. Let us believe that innocence spared the importance of our bond, at least.